Blazing New Trails to Never Fail.

My feet hurt a lot. I mean, it`s not a pain like the pain of industrial grease remover seeping into the million tiny cuts in the palm of your hand from butterflying chicken all day, but they`re sore.

You see, I`ve wandered into the ultra-strange, devious and rather deceptive world of door to door sales. The ad in the classifieds read "B.E.S.T. Job EVER!!! GREAT HOURS! UP TO 55 DOLLARS AN HOUR!!"
With Fanshawe College being just down the road, and doubtless some of it's English alumni employed there, I realize now why B.E.S.T. is not an acronym, but instead a punctuated statement of exuberant excitement. I called them on Tuesday, and by Wednesday I was in the field.

The company works on a strange payscale I know for a fact I`m not allowed to disclose, but we work for a charity which contracts companies like this one and pays them to do more efficient donor recruitment than a TV commercial. I don`t know how it's possible that they pay so well unless the children are worth mad P.R. but we get dollaz.

I met a young man, my supervisor in the field, who is so much like my old roommate that I actually laugh when he says "Jeezy"and images of him getting stoned past recollection and eating glass haunt the next few doors.

One thing that I have learned from 30 hours of this job though...people are assholes. I think you can only imagine how much funnier this blog is going to become once I start doing regular routes and going to other cities.

Some highlighted stories from the last two days:

-I walked up to his door, and an old man was sitting on his front porch. I asked him how he was doing and what I heard was "Dying." I thought this rather macabre response not good for a sale, so I asked him why he thought he was dying (I mean, really..how do you respond to an answer like that?..try putting a positive spin on impending death). Naturally, through his thick Italian accent, what I was actually hearing was "Dieting". As soon as this embarrassing mix-up was dealt with, I sat down and showed him pictures of some kids and asked if he wanted to sponsor. He replied with a long winded, unintelligible story about his grandson going off to fight terrorism and I think throughout all of it, I only understood the first and last phrases which were: "My grandson goes ova dere and fights da terrorista..mumbo jumbo, laughter..mumbo blah blah blah...you askin me to support dese ni****s?"

At this point, I`m instructed to just leave, it`s a no, it's at this point a waste of time, but I hate people like this, so naturally, I stick around for personal reasons, rebutting his absolutely racist and demeaning statements with arguments such as: "Sir, this child is eight, and he is from Tanzania, there is a civil war going on there right now, he WILL be sold into combat slavery unless people put him into this program, thats WHY I`m going around here today."

I won`t go into the details as to how this ended, but it ended with me walking off of his porch, him (I`m not lying) yelling at some ladies passing by in durqa to "go home" and "get jobs".

(Ah yes, yet another intelligent quip from this old cocksucker: "Why canta dey work dere? You planta da seeds, dey grow in da ground..they too lazy to work [here life story commences] lazy ni****s.)

FUCK I HATE OLD PEOPLE.

Basically, my new job can rule if I`m good at it, and if I`m really good, I`ll just go around london and kick some major sales ass.

So, I`m out,

Peace and Love,

The Bizz.

So, I`m in London.

I began today at 8 in the morning and went out looking for a job. I`ve managed to find some good prospects at banks and financial institutions who will not be named.

I then meandered around the mall, got to a music store and played some guitars. The rest of my day has been spent either learning Primus songs or watching shit like this.

I would like very much to know what "Weasel Dust" is, and if it was inserted by the humble writers of Miami Vice to honor the many references to Weasels the man uses in his songs.

Also because of YouTube, I`ve managed to find and download the Alanis Morissette cover of My Humps, which you can just look up yourself. It`s pretty good. Although after the first 2 minutes, you realize why Rap videos are the comatose retards of the music video world.

I don`t know, I just thought I`d post to ensure all of you that I am not dead, and that the move went fine. Liam, drop me a line, you owe me a visit in a couple of weekends.

Carl, if you ever stop working and log on to see this, so do you.

Jordan. (Driving Wave). Econ Shiv

Love it, indulge in it.

Blake.

Well, if it isn`t my old friend...the blog..

How are you...blog?

Still updated I see...

So how do I start this?

If you`ve read Liam`s post you know that my foot temperature disorder has landed me back into my parent`s house and hoping desperately that it will get better. Unfortunately, my family doctor (whom I met on Wednesday, and is a pretty cool guy) does not have a remedy aside from riding it out and mustering the nuts to go trodding off to parts unknown.

I am sorry to Liam and Carl, and what I hope they understand, as friends, is that this is the best thing for me right now. I can`t do much about that. Until I know how I want to spend my time and money I need to be caught in a safety net and frankly, the maw of a boar is not how I feel safe.

So anyways, I`m moving to London, where a million hot girls and a plethora of eager employers await my arrival.

Liam has gifted me with why Daft Punk isn`t that creative, and I suppose that is a decent sendoff to a man who screwed him over. I don`t like watching this video..it actually REALLY bothers me, and I hope and pray on my bedside before sleep that it's a hoax.

Unfortunately the facts are there, and if they hold up past the millions of astute (ha!) Youtube viewers...it can`t be false. Unlike those who have posted comments below the video, I cannot brush it off with a mere "daft punk rulz!" or "sht up u bitch, this video is bullshit. i love daft punk n ull never ruin them 4 me!"

I still love Daft Punk, but the notches are lowering...

Anyways, I wanted to just update here and apologise publicly to Liam and those whom I have decided to leave behind.

Please note however, that I have offered to anyone who so wishes, a place to crash when we go out to the amazing bars in London and get smashy smashy.

It`s not a bad life. I haven`t abandoned you completely.

I`m gonna head`r. Carl is jonesing for some Chess and who am I to deny that?

Love the one you`re with, unless she`s a fucking bitch,

Blake.